Anxiety, Frustration, Fear...

I can't help but to get a little anxious with school just around the corner. I start on the 21st of August and I feel very unprepared. I will probably keep singing this same tune for a while longer, or until I can get my account paid up and buy my books.

I still have to go school supply shopping, not only for myself, but for my kids. I think this is what has been haunting me for the past few days/weeks. The underlying thought is I know I have Financial Aid coming to me by middle of September, but until then, I am really flat broke. How pathetic is that? A married mother of four children and I can't seem to get things together.

I feel somewhat in a rut at home. I feel stranded and lonely. Actually, the lonely part isn't too bad because I really like being by myself. I can get so much more accomplished this way. However, I do feel as though I don't have many outlets other than my blogs - and that can get kind of old quick. I know I will be happier (and yes, busier) once school starts because for one the kids will be in school, and secondly, I will have my independence back - my time! School is my vacation away from my home life. Sad, but true. I have so much pressure and anxiety at home. I often times feel as though I am weighed down by these responsibilities. Sometimes, I feel as though it "smothers" me. But I don't want to fall prey to stereotypes. Just because I am an "at-home" Mom (for the time-being at least) doesn't mean I'm a loser. I want bigger and better things for myself and my education is what will provide me the opportunities. I never used to believe that an education will get you places but it's very true. You can't get a decent job in this town without an education. I keep up with the job postings and nowadays, most positions require a degree of some kind.

I think I'll start to feel better once my parking and student fees are taken care of and I can finally buy my books! But I can't seem to do that. I hate being unemployed. Even though unemployment checks are far greater an amount than what a part-time job would be, I still am not able to pay for the necessities! I can't stand it. I only want to buy my parking and student fees....that's it! I don't need much else. Other than that, I need to buy my books. I found the books I need on Half.com. I want to ask my brother to help me with these fees, but I know him. He'll give me some poor excuse why he can't and then that'll be the end of that. Last semester, thankfully he took care of my book purchases prior to the start of school last semester and when my Financial Aid money arrived, I was able to pay him back. That's what I intend to do this year, but I haven't brought myself to do that just yet!

I need help financially!!!!